at least it won’t procreate
EVEN HER OWN OVARIES HAVE GIVEN UP.
oh my xenu
How apt of you to say, Ana.
Despite the fact that this tweet came with no warning and (still) no explanation, it’s probably Mily’s most astute tweet to date. If I ever had to give her a status of any kind it would always be Tom Cruise. He is almost as insane as she is. The difference is that Mily doesn’t need to jump on Oprah’s couch to be deemed cray-cray. Mily just exists and she wins.
Anonymous asked: How are you amazing and where does Mily sleep at night. Please respond at your earliest convenience. Thank you for your time.
How polite! And you’re actually asking about me, unlike SOME PEOPLE. My attraction to you gets stronger every day, Anon.
To answer your question: My essence of amazing really thrives in the presence of Mily’s antics; she is quite the muse. Also because I’m an asshole. Mocking others incessantly comes quite naturally to me. Mily is an excellent target because she’s crazy and therefore everyone is all right with laughing at her, both to her face and behind her back.
Moving on, is the question really where Mily sleeps at night, or how she sleeps at night? Because I don’t know how well I’d do trying to sleep after saying things like this:
Or this:
…. or this:
That said, if you want to me to take a stab at it anyway, I’d guess that she sleeps in a fiery pit of doom somewhere on the outskirts of hell. Or on a Tempurpedic.
but did you have to ruin transformers?
I know, you just imagined what that would look like. For the millionth time, I’m sorry. She really can paint a picture with words though, right? What a bitch.
Also, WHO THE FUCK SAYS THIS? I mean seriously, of all the possible similes she could have come up with, she chooses blowing a Transformer. Before now have you ever even considered a robot’s penis? No? Mily has.
And Optimus Prime? As if he would, Mily. He’s like, classy and whatever.
Anonymous asked: Mily, what are your feelings on Zac Efron?
I was going to answer this question on Mily’s behalf with this seemingly simple “feeling” of hers:
Instead, Anon, in an attempt to maintain journalistic integrity (read: to provide more LOLs), I decided to have her elaborate.
oh.
WELL.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ZAC EFRON. I SAW PICTURES OF HIM PRE-HSM DAYS… UNIBROW? NO THANK YOU.
HOWEVER.
MR. ZEFRON DECIDED TO DE-SHIRT HIMSELF FOR ‘17 AGAIN’… DO YOU KNOW OF THIS MOVIE? HE PLAYS A YOUNGER CHANANDLER BONG. WELL, LET ME TELL YOU-MY LOINS…THEY WERE…INTRIGUED BY YOUNG MR. ZEFRON’S ABS.
SO… AS I WAS SAYING… ZEFRON’S ABS… THEY CALLED TO MY MORE PRIMAL NON-APPROVED-BY-CHRIS-HANSON INSTINCTS… LET’S JUST SAY… HE PROVIDES A WATER BALLOON PARTY IN MY PANTS THAT WOULD REQUIRE I HAVE A SEAT WITHOUT MY BEING REQUIRED TO BE TOLD TO… ERM, HAVE A SEAT… IT MEANS I LIKE HIM, AND HIS BASKETBALL TWIRLING, PROBABLY GAY, TAPPITY TAP NUMBER INTO MY BED AND SING KUMBAYAAAAAA INTO MY VAG KINDA WAY. I’D PEDOBEAR HIS ASS. YOU PICKING UP WHAT I’M PUTTING DOWN? also… LOL, WHO ASKED THIS QUESTION JW. I LIKE THE CUT OF THEIR JIB
I don’t know who asked this question, Mily, I really don’t. If I did I’d know who was responsible for what resulted in you forcing me to imagine Zac Efron singing into your vagina.
How old is Zac Efron anyway? I would google it but I don’t give a shit. I’m more concerned with water balloon parties. Woman, I do not want to know what you have in your pants besides your bladder that is capable of releasing that much moisture.
Moreover… Kumbaya? REALLY?
Let’s take a look at the lyrics for Kumbaya, shall we? K.
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Kumbaya my Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s singing Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s singing Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s singing Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s laughing, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s crying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s crying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s crying, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s praying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s praying, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s praying, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s sleeping, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s sleeping, Lord, kumbaya
Someone’s sleeping, Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
Oh Lord, kumbaya
….. that’s pretty fucked up.
It is sufficient to say that no, Mily, I am not picking up what you are putting down. And Anonymous? I do not like the cut of your jib. At all.
This has not lead to more LOLs.
milymiracles asked: Hi ilu. How are you so amazing jw.
Oh, hi. This is SAS’s first non-anonymous question! A Non-anon, if you will! And you will. It’s also from Mily herself, so I guess this is anti-climactic. Sorry.
Followers, I’d ask if you were embarrassed to be submitting questions for Mily using your true identities, but 1) I already know that you are and 2) I’m kind of into your murky silhouette. It looks like you have a strong, manly jaw. Plus, the flower in the background suggests that you are sensitive. Call me!
Anyway, more to the point- Will you look at this shit? She almost had me. I was all, OMG SHE LOVES ME~~ and then I realised that she is asking herself this question and the likelihood that she is currently wondering why I haven’t forwarded this to her yet is increasing exponentially.
Whatever, Mily. You seem to already know the answer to why you’re so amazing.
Exhibit A or, “It’s Mily’s fault about Taylor Momsen”:
Exhibit B or, “We may have actually entered God Complex territory”:
Exhibit C or, “Ask not what Mily can do for you, but what you can do for Mily” or, “God Complex II: The Second Coming”:
And finally, my personal favourite.
Exhibit D or, “I don’t know that what you are overwhelmed by is beauty”:
Life’s tough.
Anonymous asked: Dear author of this blog,
First I want to thank you for bringing Mily into my life. I am sorry to degrade you again, but I am hoping to ask Mily some questions. Please could you pass them on? You are very good at your job.
Dear Mily,
I’m your biggest fan. You may call me Stanetta. I would just like to know if you know how to pop It, lock it, polka-dot-It, country-fy, hip-hop it, put your hawk in the sky, move side to side, jump to the left, stick It, glide? If so, do you then zig-zag 'cross the floor, shuffle in diagonal when the drum hits, hands on your hips one-footed 1-80 twist? Then I think you’re supposed to do a zig-zag, step, slide, lean in left and clap 3 times, shake it out, head to toe, throw it all together. That’s how we roll when I do it anyway.
In short, do you know the Hoedown Throwdown?
Thanks, Anon! I am glad you are grateful to have been infected by the Mily Virus (this rhymes with “Miley Cyrus”- I am just saying). No, there is no vaccine. I often ask myself if my part in exposing Mily to the world is an act of goodwill towards man, or if it’s actually on par with the detonation of a WMD. It’s a daily struggle, really, the conflict I endure.
That said, I’m afraid to stop updating this blog because Mily knows where I live.
DEAR STANETTA,
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENJOYABLE QUERY. ALTHOUGH THE TERM ‘HOE’ HAS BEEN LINKED TO ME ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS, I’VE NEVER DONE THE HOEDOWN THROWDOWN. I WAS PUZZLED BY THIS FACT SINCE I CONSIDER MYSELF DOWN WITH THE KIDS, I CAN GET JIGGY WITH IT WITH MY PRADA BACKPACK & SKECHERS. I RESEARCHED AND FOUND OUT WHY I HAD NE’ER DONE THIS ~THROWDOWN. CAN YOU GUESS WHAT I FOUND? SOMETHING OFFENSIVE. DEAR READER, MILEY CYRUS AND HER ANTICS DO NOT AMUSE ME. NEVER HAVE I WANTED TO PUNCH A HUMAN MORE THAN I DO HER, EXCEPT MAYBE RYAN SEACREST. I SHAN’T BE PARTICIPATING IN ANYTHING THAT THAT DUCKFACE HAS POPULARIZED.
IN THE INTEREST OF LETTING YOU FEEL CLOSER TO ME, THOUGH, I CAN TELL YOU THAT I HAVE BEEN SUPERSOAKED; WHY DO YOU THINK YOU TAKE A HOE TO A HOTEL? YOUR ANACONDA WOULD WANT SOME BECAUSE I GOT BUNS HUN. ALSO, I CAN SLOB ON YOUR KNOB-I’LL CHECK IN WITH YOU & DO MY JOB; LAY ON THE BED & GIVE YOU HEAD-DON’T HAVE TO ASK, DON’T HAVE TO BEG. JUICY IS MY NAME, SEX IS MY GAME.
:::drops microphone:::
* I would just like to state that Mily asked that the above photograph be included in her response. I do not endorse or condone its appearance on this blog; I actually think it’s cruel to dress animals up in clothing.
milysweeper/no comment/but seriously
Let me preface this by saying if you don’t remember life before the internet then you are of an irrelevant generation and have been excused.
….
I think we’re alone now. So, remember when you were around, let’s say 12 or 13, and the internet really just started to take off and you were all, “MOOOOOM!!!! GET OFF THE PHONE SO I CAN SURF THE ~WEB!!!!” And when you finally got your chance to boot up Windows 95 all you really did was go to Yahoo.com and um, yahoo the Spice Girls? Once you realised you’d already hit those six websites, you’d start to type in random urls like “www.generalmills.com” because it’s not like there was any other website being advertised and Facebook didn’t exist yet. You saw the address on the back of the cereal box when you’d had breakfast that morning and hey, maybe their site had more of those exciting mazes!
It didn’t.
Then, when you reached the end of the internet and because you were a sophisticate, you started to play Solitaire. After winning (which was often; you always played on Easy), since watching the cards flourish and waiting for them to cover up all the green parts got old quickly, you got cocky and in over your head and decided to try…
Minesweeper still terrifies me and I don’t even fucking use Windows anymore. WHY IS THAT LITTLE SMILEY FACE THERE I DON’T EVEN KNOW JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.
Anyway, I digressed. A lot. LOL BYE BREVITY. But Really the only thing I meant to say is that reading Mily’s responses to her fan mail and attempting to know where to begin commentating on that tangled web of hysteria makes me feel the same way that Minesweeper does.
You guys are on your own with that shit.
